Blogposts For Moms and Those Who Love Them!
It is Mother's Day! For all of those who are mothers, will be mothers, have mothers or had a mother (or mother figure) in their life, here are some great blogposts and a bear hug for moms across the globe! Read on for giving A Rose To The Living, tips on Processing Childbirth Trauma, and Self-care Tips for Moms!
A rose to the living is more sumptuous than a wreath to the dead! ~ Lucille Johnson
A long while back I listened to a speech by Lucille Johnson that stuck with me. One of her quotes that stood out and comes to my mind often is “A rose to the living is more sumptuous than a wreath to the dead.” She explained how she had been to a conference and was staying in a hotel in Salt Lake City. She had been given a bouquet of roses to wish her luck on her speeches she would be delivering.
One evening, as she was leaving her hotel room for one of her meetings, she saw the housekeeper in the hallway and quickly grabbed a rose. She approached the woman, who she described as older, weather-worn, and clearly a hard-worker. She handed the woman the rose and thanked her for the great job that she does in tidying up the rooms. She said, it is very obvious that you care about the work you do and that she wanted the housekeeper to know it did not go unnoticed.
Upon hearing the kind words and receiving the rose, the housekeeper burst into tears. Lucille gave her a hug and hoped she hadn’t offended her. The older lady then said, “Thank you for your kind words. We work hard behind the scenes and often do not get much positive feedback. This is the first time that someone has given me a flower.”
The ladies hugged and chatted a bit back and forth and then Lucille had to leave for her engagement.
The experience stuck with her. The thought occurred to her that “some people go through their entire lives and never receive a flower. They never receive a corsage, let alone a bouquet. They may never be gifted a bloom until their funerals. A rose to the living is more sumptuous than a wreath to the dead.”
Lucille also talked about how unkind words, words of criticism, and jabs can stick with us. She once went to try on dress shoes at a store and someone she thought was her friend said, “Oh Lucille, you should never wear sling-back shoes, your feet do not look good in them.” From that point on, whenever she was shopping for shoes she would think, “I better be mindful of what shoes I pick because I do not have nice feet and they will not look good in most shoes.” She said it wasn’t until she was shopping with her own daughters that she realized her feet were as normal as anyone else’s. Her daughters asked why she refused to wear certain styles of shoes and after she explained, they reassured her that her feet looked like every other woman’s foot. She said, “My how the unkind word can write itself on our soul.” We must be mindful of the darts we throw at others and also not take someone else’s criticism immediately as truth. Things others say to us often tell us more about them than they do about ourselves.
She went on to talk about how we all need to do a better job of lifting each other up and giving other people praise when it enters our minds. How sad is the life that only receives praise once it has passed!
Put Your Energy Into Helping Others
We live in a busy and chaotic world. A world that is full of stresses and threatens to isolate us and keep us driven by our own egos and goals. How often do we come up for air and notice those people around us, let alone tell them how we feel?
One of the best ways to combat our own stresses and hardships is to put some of our energy towards helping others. Whether it be in service or just a kind word, our well-being and mental health improves. Simply sending a thoughtful postcard or text to someone we have been meaning to reach out to can help brighten their day, and in turn brighten our own. As cheesy as it may sound, the best way to feel better about ourselves is to think less about ourselves and more about how we can improve the world around us. This in turn makes our own world bloom.
How often do we see someone wearing something nice and keep our compliments to ourselves? The unsaid compliment does nobody any good. A wreath on your grave will mean much less to you than a simple rose given today.
How are you making people feel?
For a moment, think about those people in your life who you adore. One of the key reasons that you adore them is how they make you feel. They likely reach out to you and make you feel like you are a priority or not forgotten. They probably ask you how you are doing and genuinely listen. The way we feel about someone is the way they make us feel. Maya Angelou famously said “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
In contrast, the way other people feel about you is also tied to how you make them feel. Are you putting in the effort to stay connected with the people that are important to you? Life can be a never ending parade of tasks and things to deal with, which, if allowed, can eat up all of our energy and time. Are you taking the time to nourish your relationships and friendships? Are you taking a few minutes to enrich the lives of strangers?
We are good at seeing problems in the world and things that make life dissatisfying. Are we also taking the time to put even a small bit of positive energy into that world?
When I feel myself getting into a funk, I try to think of ways that I can give back to the world. One thing I have done in the past is to put together kits for the homeless. Rather than giving money from my car, I try to give a small bag with a pair of socks, a small non-perishable meal, a toothbrush with toothpaste, some candy and a used book that someone might enjoy. Will this kit alter their lives and solve their problems? Nope, but it will be a bright spot for many that day. It will be a reminder that someone took the time to think about them and sometimes that is just what we need, no matter our status in life.
Even the richest people in the world can be lonely and struggling. We humans are social creatures. We crave human interactions and positive moments; yes, even you introverts! Those positive interactions go a long way in helping us to maintain our mental and physical health. Our bodies run off of energy and chemicals. The more “happy chemicals” from happy moments that we receive, the better our bodies respond to stress and life’s challenges.
I challenge you to look for opportunities to give “roses” to the people who cross your path. Even anonymous bursts of positivity for others can infuse their day and yours with joy, for a rose to the living is more sumptuous than a wreath to the dead!
Processing Childbirth Trauma
“Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then, the mother is born.” - Erma Bombeck
This blog post is for all of you mothers out there! The process of giving birth to a child can be one of the most rewarding times for a mother but it can also be one of the most physically and emotionally traumatic events in a woman’s life. The challenges and physical pain that happen during childbirth are often forgotten by society and a mother’s experience, especially if it was a negative one, is easily overlooked and forgotten, even by the mother herself.
The very act of giving birth to another human being is not an easy process for anybody or their body. Some women are in labor far longer than expected and medical interventions often have to take place to ensure the health and safety of the baby and mother. This often means that the mother’s body and tissues get traumatized and can trap emotions deep within.
Let's Clear The Trauma Away!
I have had the great opportunity to help many mothers to process the emotions and pain that occurred during the child birthing process, even if it is decades later. Our bodies hold onto painful memories, which are in part created by the hormones and chemicals that are dumped into our bloodstream and tissues as stressful events occur. It is important to process those emotions and pains to ensure that we have released them from our bodies and our brains.
I can help mothers clear the pain and emotions that may be stuck in their brains and bodies after childbirth. Imagine carrying around a weight and vague heaviness for decades without completely understanding where it came from. Then imagine being able to set it down and walk lightly away. Hormones, stress, pain, chemicals, and trauma that happens during childbirth can imprint into our brains and tissues pretty strongly, so it is important to recognize that and work on removing it. This goes for any traumatic or painful experience, such as a simple knee injury or surgery.
One big difference with childbirth trauma and other traumas is the fear of birthing that can accumulate before a child is born. Nobody likes knowing that they are going to experience great pain in the looming future, which can essentially initiate the moment a woman learns she is pregnant. This fear and stress can build and actually amplify during the birthing process, which can make things all the more traumatic in an already stressful and emotionally charged event.
Because childbirth and the pain associated with it has been around as long as we as the human race have been around, it is easy for women to feel dismissive or as though they shouldn’t complain about their experience or its ongoing negative effects.
There is no shame in the childbirth game! We can love ourselves more by recognizing when our body has been through Hell (no matter how natural that Hell is) and to relieve any negative feelings or emotions locked within it. Part of loving yourself is loving your body. Part of loving your body is allowing it to feel and process what it has experienced. Most mothers would do anything to relieve their child’s aches and pains, yet they can deny themselves the same compassion and relief. If you are interested in finding relief from past traumatic experiences, such as childbirth, consider bringing this topic up in your next session with Julie to see how she can help you and your body find more harmony and peace!
Self-Care Tips for Moms
Motherhood is not for wimps!
The famous Erma Bombeck wrote a book titled “Motherhood is not for wimps!” She is absolutely right! Motherhood is a full-time circus and can take more energy and resilience than most people give it credit.
I work with many mothers who are doing an amazing job yet feel worn out from every decision in their household running through them as if they are the CEO of a corporation. In some sense, you are exactly that, a CEO, and not to put too fine a point on it, you have made your position in your household this way. Perhaps you feel like Erma when she quipped, "You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home."
Good old Erma also said "I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, 'Never mind! I'll do it myself.'" It is very easy as a parent to establish habits with your family that at the time they are established, seem like an easy or positive pathway. However, it is always a good idea to revisit some of the behaviors we have established in our lives and see if they still work for us or if they need to change or have a revision.
When my clients complain that their children or husband can’t seem to make decisions or do anything without Mom’s okay, I like to remind them that these patterns did not happen by chance. What may have started out as a behavior pattern while children were small and dependent on mom for everything, can stagnate into behavior that actually prevents children from growing into independent self-driven individuals.
Since this is a goal that most mothers have for their children, to become independent and self-motivated enough to run their own lives one day, it is important to practice letting children make decisions as they mature. These decisions can range from what is for dinner, when and how chores should be done in the household, who is responsible for for pet care, what weekend or holiday activities the family should do, or it can range into simply what should be worn to school each day, feeding oneself breakfast, taking baths or when to brush teeth. Handing over the reigns of responsibility can help children to grow and develop the skills that we want little humans to have when they become big humans.
For mothers who have grown accustomed to controlling every decision in the lives of the beings surrounding her, it can be a struggle at first to let go of that control and allow others to take responsibility for things. It is also important to remember that it is perfectly okay if kids make mistakes or bad decisions and it is much better that they have experience in doing that at a young age versus ending up as an adult who can’t cope when things don’t work out how they hoped or planned that they would.
Keep in mind that although I haven’t explicitly said it, many husbands can take on the role of child and escape the responsibilities of helping co-manage the household or pitch in on decision making. In this case, it is definitely time to start letting go of decision making control and throwing the ball back in their court. In the end, all parties should be in a healthier spot and growth should happen.
Most of my clients who have grown tired of being the household hub of all decision making are also neglecting some of their own needs due to this dynamic. Erma Bombeck stated, "Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." If you are feeling guilty about something as a mother, look at it. Sit with it. Explore why you feel that guilt. Is it justified? Is there something you can do about it? Is it inherited from your own parents? Could it just be a pattern you have established?
Kaiser Permanente put out an article titled “9 self-care tips for busy moms” and in it there are several good tips to consider:
Focus on the physical.
Your body will thank you for moving more! You can do anything from stretching in your chair to running a 5 K, doing 5 minutes of yoga to 5 hours of canoeing. Even just breathing deep and walking around a garden can vastly improve the quality of your days!
Give your Mom Brain a boost!
Do something that stimulates your mind like reading, crossword puzzles, meditation etc. Your brain will appreciate the attention you give it.
Pamper yourself.
You do so much for those around you that you need to guiltlessly take time to relax and take care of yourself. This can be by getting a massage, taking a nap, buying yourself flowers, relaxing in a bath, or giving yourself a facial. You deserve it!
Find time for your friends.
You dedicate a lot of time and effort to the running of your household but don’t forget to take some time to be with friends outside of your home. You could go on a walk together, have a lunch or coffee date, join a book club, or go window shopping. Our social lives are also an important part of our overall health and happiness.
Take a leap and try something new!
This could be visiting a new restaurant, going go-cart racing, starting a writing project, joining a new club, or picking up a new sport or hobby. Variety and nuance can help us to grow and feel healthy.
Hone your skills. As a mother there are inevitably hobbies or skills that you have not spent as much time doing since the hubby or kids came along. Reconnect with those and remind yourself of things you loved doing in the past.
Get silly!
Find ways to let your hair down. You need to relax and laugh more!
Prepare to unwind.
Create comfortable places in your environment where you can relax after long or stressful days. These can be in your yard, a room in your house, a reading nook etc. You can also be sure to stock up on snacks or self-care items that help you when you’ve had one of those days!
Lastly, the article recommends that you Have a Plan… just in case. This refers to making sure you think about what you would do for a dental emergency for example. Where would you go if your child needed stitches or who should you call if you suspect they drank something they shouldn’t? Writing down these plans or at least thinking about them ahead of time can certainly help when an emergency arises, but it can also help you to not worry so much in the middle of the night when your brain pops a worry (often irrational) into your head.
By making small changes and trying to establish new behaviors in your life you will be heading in the direction of less stress and more peace. Even a little progress is progress and adds up quickly. I will leave you with another witticism by Erma, "Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart."
Happy Mother's Day from Posture Massage!
