Julie's Book Review: Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” - Brené Brown

Vulnerability Is Strength

Brené Brown's book Daring Greatly, tackles the topic of vulnerability and shame, both of which we all have to a certain extent. Increasing our vulnerability and decreasing our shame can work miracles in our personal and professional lives. It is also a great way to teach our kids how to be healthy and resilient people. 

Vulnerability is at the core of all feelings – not just bad ones like fear, anxiety and shame, but also good ones like love, joy, and passion.

Brené presents 3 valuable lessons about vulnerability and having the courage to step into it when you fear it the most. Once again Niklas Goke sums things up in a great way:

1. Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.
2. Understanding and verbalizing your shame will make it go away.
3. Children become who you are, so be a role model.

Lesson 1: Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness

As Niklas States: Here are two vital things to understand about vulnerability:

1. Vulnerability isn’t good or bad. It’s not a black and white subject. It’s just a part of life and if you experience it, it means you’re able to feel things.

2. Allowing yourself to actually be vulnerable is a sign of strength and courage. It’s a lot easier to avoid the things that might make you vulnerable, rather than lean into them. But that also means we’re missing out on a lot of good things.

For example, if you’ve ever loved someone you know that being in love makes you very vulnerable. You allow someone into your heart and give them incredible power, which includes the power to hurt you. But only if you accept this state of vulnerability do you have a shot at all the love, joy and kindness you might experience from that relationship. This means vulnerability isn’t just the source of pain and grief, but also the root of many positive emotions.

Note: I’m getting coffee with a girl I haven’t really seen in six years today. I was in love with her in high school and it scares the shit out of me to see her again. But if I don’t go I’ll never know why, so my best bet is to go there, be vulnerable, show myself and see what’s to come.

Second, you could hide from the things that make you vulnerable. The responsibility for a project at work. The girl or guy you haven’t seen in forever. The art you want to create. But you know that’s a cop out. Leaning into vulnerability is something only the strong, the truly courageous can do.

Lesson 2: Understanding and verbalizing your shame will make it go away

What’s worse than completely bombing a speaking gig? Being ashamed about bombing a speaking gig and never doing one again.

There’s a quote that goes “Failure is temporary, giving up is what makes it permanent.” Shame is what makes you give up.

“I’m ashamed that I wasn’t there for my son when he was little.”

“I’m ashamed I didn’t try harder at being a good wedding planner.”

“I’m ashamed at work, because my co-workers talk about me behind my back.”

Have you thought any of these? Or other variations? I bet you have. But have you said them? Try it. I just did this morning. There’s a certain level of ridicule to be found in every single shame you express. Pinpointing what actually makes you feel ashamed and saying it out loud takes a lot of power from shame.

Nobody wants to talk about shame. It’s uncomfortable. But the less you do, the more power it has. Instead, pull at it. Drag it out. Throw it into the light. And address it directly. You’ll see things aren’t as worrisome as they seem and that you can live past failure.

Lesson 3: Children become who you are, so be a role model.

Whether you have kids or not, I thought this was worth taking away. Your children can only inherit qualities you possess yourself.

If you’re sloppy, your children will be sloppy. If you’re organized, your children will be organized. And if you’re constantly shame-ridden, you’ll traumatize your kids by making them feel the same.

If you’ve been bullied, threatened or otherwise traumatized as a kid, you know that most childhood trauma comes from shame. Shame about an event, behavior, or even just about how others have treated us.

Therefore, it’s your job to make your home and family a shame-free zone. It’s the only way your kids will grow up feeling worthy, loved and able to truly be themselves.

Instead of talking about values like honesty, courage and ambition, live them. Be honest. Be courageous. Be ambitious. The best thing you can do for your kids, born or not, is to be a role model. It’s all the parenting they need.

 

Dare Greatly!

I highly recommend this book. Incorporating vulnerability into my life has made me a stronger and more understanding human. When we let go of our shame and are able to be real and vulnerable, magic transformations occur within us. This process can also revolutionize working life and family relationships. How many of us avoid vulnerability and hope for answers on things from others that never come because we were too scared to open up and share what we are feeling? I know I have been amazed at the way vulnerability has transformed my life and decreased my worries and fears. Please do bring up this book and these topics in your next session with me, as there is so much to chat about and so much healing that can occur to our brains and bodies when we are able to authentically add vulnerability to the mix!