Motherhood is not for wimps!
The famous Erma Bombeck wrote a book titled “Motherhood is not for wimps!” She is absolutely right! Motherhood is a full-time circus and can take more energy and resilience than most people give it credit.
I work with many mothers who are doing an amazing job yet feel worn out from every decision in their household running through them as if they are the CEO of a corporation. In some sense, you are exactly that, a CEO, and not to put too fine a point on it, you have made your position in your household this way. Perhaps you feel like Erma when she quipped, "You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home."
Good old Erma also said "I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, 'Never mind! I'll do it myself.'" It is very easy as a parent to establish habits with your family that at the time they are established, seem like an easy or positive pathway. However, it is always a good idea to revisit some of the behaviors we have established in our lives and see if they still work for us or if they need to change or have a revision.
When my clients complain that their children or husband can’t seem to make decisions or do anything without Mom’s okay, I like to remind them that these patterns did not happen by chance. What may have started out as a behavior pattern while children were small and dependent on mom for everything, can stagnate into behavior that actually prevents children from growing into independent self-driven individuals.
Since this is a goal that most mothers have for their children, to become independent and self-motivated enough to run their own lives one day, it is important to practice letting children make decisions as they mature. These decisions can range from what is for dinner, when and how chores should be done in the household, who is responsible for for pet care, what weekend or holiday activities the family should do, or it can range into simply what should be worn to school each day, feeding oneself breakfast, taking baths or when to brush teeth. Handing over the reigns of responsibility can help children to grow and develop the skills that we want little humans to have when they become big humans.
For mothers who have grown accustomed to controlling every decision in the lives of the beings surrounding her, it can be a struggle at first to let go of that control and allow others to take responsibility for things. It is also important to remember that it is perfectly okay if kids make mistakes or bad decisions and it is much better that they have experience in doing that at a young age versus ending up as an adult who can’t cope when things don’t work out how they hoped or planned that they would.
Keep in mind that although I haven’t explicitly said it, many husbands can take on the role of child and escape the responsibilities of helping co-manage the household or pitch in on decision making. In this case, it is definitely time to start letting go of decision making control and throwing the ball back in their court. In the end, all parties should be in a healthier spot and growth should happen.
Most of my clients who have grown tired of being the household hub of all decision making are also neglecting some of their own needs due to this dynamic. Erma Bombeck stated, "Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." If you are feeling guilty about something as a mother, look at it. Sit with it. Explore why you feel that guilt. Is it justified? Is there something you can do about it? Is it inherited from your own parents? Could it just be a pattern you have established?
Kaiser Permanente put out an article titled “9 self-care tips for busy moms” and in it there are several good tips to consider:
Focus on the physical.
Your body will thank you for moving more! You can do anything from stretching in your chair to running a 5 K, doing 5 minutes of yoga to 5 hours of canoeing. Even just breathing deep and walking around a garden can vastly improve the quality of your days!
Give your Mom Brain a boost!
Do something that stimulates your mind like reading, crossword puzzles, meditation etc. Your brain will appreciate the attention you give it.
Pamper yourself.
You do so much for those around you that you need to guiltlessly take time to relax and take care of yourself. This can be by getting a massage, taking a nap, buying yourself flowers, relaxing in a bath, or giving yourself a facial. You deserve it!
Find time for your friends.
You dedicate a lot of time and effort to the running of your household but don’t forget to take some time to be with friends outside of your home. You could go on a walk together, have a lunch or coffee date, join a book club, or go window shopping. Our social lives are also an important part of our overall health and happiness.
Take a leap and try something new!
This could be visiting a new restaurant, going go-cart racing, starting a writing project, joining a new club, or picking up a new sport or hobby. Variety and nuance can help us to grow and feel healthy.
Hone your skills. As a mother there are inevitably hobbies or skills that you have not spent as much time doing since the hubby or kids came along. Reconnect with those and remind yourself of things you loved doing in the past.
Get silly!
Find ways to let your hair down. You need to relax and laugh more!
Prepare to unwind.
Create comfortable places in your environment where you can relax after long or stressful days. These can be in your yard, a room in your house, a reading nook etc. You can also be sure to stock up on snacks or self-care items that help you when you’ve had one of those days!
Lastly, the article recommends that you Have a Plan… just in case. This refers to making sure you think about what you would do for a dental emergency for example. Where would you go if your child needed stitches or who should you call if you suspect they drank something they shouldn’t? Writing down these plans or at least thinking about them ahead of time can certainly help when an emergency arises, but it can also help you to not worry so much in the middle of the night when your brain pops a worry (often irrational) into your head.
By making small changes and trying to establish new behaviors in your life you will be heading in the direction of less stress and more peace. Even a little progress is progress and adds up quickly. I will leave you with another witticism by Erma, "Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart."
Happy Mother's Day from Posture Massage!
