On occasion I work with a client who is very worked up personally about dealing with someone else’s drama. They get fixated on why this person is acting a certain way or treating their advice with disregard. When we care about someone else it is hard not to be affected by their drama or chaos, especially when they are venting to us or leaning on us. It becomes unhealthy when their chaos starts affecting our health and happiness.
One of the best things you can do for yourself when you find yourself in this situation is to remember that you are only in charge of yourself. The only person who you have complete control over is yourself… if you think otherwise then you need to reassess your relationships. Realizing that you are only in charge of you can either make you feel helpless or relieved, hopefully it is the latter.
Their Journey
Everyone is on their own journey. We come in and out of each other’s lives constantly. The only person who is with you from the second you are born until the second you die is yourself. This should not feel depressing but liberating. Let others live their lives. Nobody can force you to deal with your weaknesses or issues. You have to deal with them. The same goes for other people in your life. You must let them have their agency and their own journey, without being offended that it doesn’t match what you want for them.
When I start to get worked up and overly involved in someone else’s drama or chaos, I take a step back and grant them their journey. I remind myself that they have their own lessons to learn and will make their own choices. This is not to say that we can’t give advice or encouragement. But it does mean that we shouldn’t get offended or worked up if they disregard it, or even do the opposite.
We are all rough stones in the river of life. As we tumble with the waters our rough edges can be knocked off by tough experiences or by colliding with others. As we live we hopefully become smoother and smoother like a river rock. Do you want to be the only thing another person is using to knock off their rough edges and sharp corners? Of course not. Grant them their agency. The river has them and they are getting the experiences that they need and the consequences of their own actions.
Your Journey
The same is true for you too. You are experiencing what the river of life has in store for you. Are you leaning too much on others and expecting them to do the heavy lifting in your life? News flash, even if they try, you are the only person that can change your life. Grant people their agency and their own beingness and you in turn will have your own. When we honestly embrace where we are at and take responsibility for our own actions, we liberate ourselves and are able to begin moving forward on our journeys.
The process of a chick hatching from an egg looks painful and strenuous, it may even be just that. However, the very process of breaking free from an egg strengthens the chick’s muscles and is a vital process of its development. When a person, usually motivated by charity and kindness, “helps” a chick get out of their shell, the chick often flounders and dies. It was unable to develop the strength it needed to then stand and begin the next steps of life. People are no different. By removing the challenges or taking on someone else’s burden to bear, we often simply weaken them and prevent any real growth or resilience from developing. If we “take on” their journey we are also energetically telling them we don’t think they are capable of or have confidence in their ability to do their journey.
It’s less stressful and more fun to be a cheerleader in someone’s life than to play the role of coach. Stay kind. Stay charitable. Stay loving. Allow others their journey and focus on your own.
Want to discuss this further? Consider bringing up this topic with Julie in your next session at Posture Massage!
