Watch out for Emotional Vampires!

What Is An Emotional Vampire?

We all know the type.  The person that chats with us only when they need something from us emotionally.  They often only call to complain or vent and never ask how we are doing and in fact, if we interject with our own goings on, they ignore, minimize, or completely disregard them. These lovely folks are emotional vampires and unfortunately they do not only come out at night.

People who are emotional vampires enter don’t always know that they are using others to feed or soothe their own issues. They can sneak into our lives but can be easy to identify.  Emotional vampires take our energy and our time in order to attempt to make themselves feel better.  They will complain endlessly about problems in their life that they have likely created themselves, yet they refuse to see the role they played in creating those problems. They essentially want our attention, pity, money, compassion, comfort, or simply our good energy.  

They can use us to distract themselves from facing their own problems and issues.  It is rare that we are the only victim they are sucking dry with their incessant emotional drainings.  Emotional vampires tend to establish a pattern of using family, friends, coworkers, etc. to feed the holes they have created in their lives. 

Will you die from such a feeding?  Probably not.  Will it wear you down, take your energy and focus from important things in your life? Yes, yes it will. Much like blood-letting of the past, emotional draining can take a toll on us.  It can add stress to our lives that we otherwise wouldn’t have.  It can put worries or burdens on our lives that we could completely do without. 

Your body and brain can tell you almost immediately if you have been hit by an emotional vampire. We have all been completely drained or had our moods changed just by interacting with a certain person.  You will not leave interacting with an emotional vampire feeling energized, calm, or invigorated. In fact, you will feel quite the opposite.

What You Can Do to Combat Vampires

What can you do if you are the muse of an emotional vampire?  First, find ways to distance yourself or interact less with that person. Also, it is perfectly okay to let them know that you do not have the time or energy to give to them at specific times. Being upfront and honest can be the fastest way to pull yourself out of an unhealthy dynamic. I know it isn’t always so easy or cut and dry, such as when a family member is the vampire.

There is a great WebMD article that goes more in depth on what to do with emotional or energy vampires, it is titled “How to Handle Emotional Vampires.” Aside from recommending avoiding such people, the article goes on to suggest setting boundaries and limiting your time.  Don’t always feel compelled to return a text or phone call. Don’t give the vampire an impression that you are always available to be fed upon. I like the suggestion the article says “if you do answer the phone, say Oh my laundry is in, I can only talk for 5 minutes.” This limits the amount of time that they can feed or try to be dependent on you. Changing those dynamics takes time so you may have to work at it in increments. 

Look inward and try to figure out what they do that is actually draining you.  Sometimes they are bringing up topics that are triggers to us and touch on things we haven’t resolved for ourselves. By recognizing what bothers us and why it bothers us, we can work on things and remove trigger buttons from our lives.  Sometimes the person is less of an emotional vampire and simply is just a person that brings up topics we have shoved down or don’t want to deal with.

Essentially we can use other people as a mirror. We can say thank you to them for showing us what we need to work on in ourselves and follow triggers to initiate triggers. Distinguishing between the two is important, especially if we are hoping to heal and grow. 

The article goes on to talk about the need for recognizing when something is an actual emergency or just drama.  Nine out of ten times an emotional vampire is simply stewing in their own drama but pretending it is an emergency. It can be compared to them trying to throw you a hot potato. You can choose not to catch it.

You do not have to take on anyone else’s problems.  You can comment (or think a comment) and say, “Hmmm yeah that is quite the hot potato you have,” without actually catching and being drained by it. It is your choice. Grant people their agency and beingness and you will also grant yourself yours. Acknowledge their decision to be themself and honor their story, even if you do not agree with it. Their stories will always be different than yours, that is part of being human. Stay on the outside of their story and observe how you are a part of their drama.  This will also shed light on how they are using you and what they are avoiding in their own lives.

You can use these types of people to work on yourself and to have compassion on yourself. If you reframe interactions with emotional vampires as opportunities to practice patience, tolerance, or silence, it can change how you feel during those interactions and usually shields you from losing energy during them. View interactions as growing opportunities and use them to practice healthy habits.  You’ll soon be surprised how much more patient, quiet (for those that like to gossip), and tolerant you can be.

Focus on what you can control. Get back into your body and stay present, hug your heart and check on how you are doing. If you find that you have dissociated, when you feel safe again, check-in with yourself and come back to the present. Sometimes the easiest way to come back to yourself in the present is to talk with your heart and hug it. 

There is a thin line that exists for people in relationships (be it romantic, platonic, friendship, collegial, or familial) between emotional vampirism and emotional abuse.  If their behavior is affecting you very negatively and hurting your life, it may be time to see a therapist.  They can help you to break free from patterns of emotional abuse and to come out the other side stronger. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others and discuss what is happening and draining you in your life. Part of bodywork and brainwork is helping clients connect the things they have learned in therapy to their bodies.  If that is not done in sessions with your therapist then I can often help integrate it into our sessions.

Most of the time the brain gets new belief systems and lets things go without always sending the memo to the body.  The body can still hold onto things that our brains have processed and have let go.  It is essential to update those belief systems throughout the physical body as well so that tissues do not get stuck or hold onto things that are no longer serving us.

A lot of the tensions and stresses we feel from emotional vampires can get locked up in our tissues, bodies, and brains.  Bring up this topic in your next session and you’ll be amazed at how she can help you to break free from the emotional vampires in your life. Your energy may seem intangible but it is a valuable resource that doesn’t always renew as fast as we need. Take care of yourself out there and you’ll be better able to care about others!