Humankind and Stories
“Who are we but the stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves, and believe?” – Scott Turow
We humans are peculiar creatures. Almost everything that happens to us turns into a story in our heads. As humans we have evolved to understand our world, our environment, our histories, and experiences through story. Unlike most animals, we are able to pass knowledge down from one generation to the next, usually through story telling. For example a story like “Don’t eat that berry because great aunt Plop Plop tried one and dropped dead two minutes later,” helped other family members not to make the same mistakes.
Our brains are also designed to digest and understand what happens to us physically by putting those experiences into story format. For example, when something happens to me that I totally wasn’t expecting or wanting, like ending up caught in a rainstorm and my clothes turning see-through, rather than getting bitter or angry, I automatically think, “Damn! I want to call a friend and tell them this hilarious story so we can both laugh and enjoy it!”
Stories that we create or tell ourselves can be problematic though. Because we are interpreting experiences, we can often misinterpret or twist those experiences into something that they actually were not. A friend not returning a text immediately can suddenly turn into a story in our heads about how we somehow must have inadvertently annoyed them or angered them. If we let that story run its course we can do more emotional damage to ourselves than the reality of the situation ever could.
We Filter Our Experiences Through Our Own Lenses
Also, everyone will have their own version of a story even if they shared the same experiences with each other. We all interpret what happens to us differently. It is amazing what details we can remember while our friends may remember details we do not. Everything that we experience gets filtered through our own bodies (eyes, nose, ears, skin, etc.) as well as through the filter of our own past experiences and current knowledge. Overall this is a good thing, however, it can also twist into not-so-good stories at times. We must be self-aware and willing to accept that not every story our brains and bodies make up are completely accurate.
Let Others Own Their Stories
In that same vein, we must also accept that other people in our lives will have different stories. They will see things differently and they will believe wholeheartedly that their stories are the most accurate for them. This is where a lot of tension can come into relationships, friendships, work relationships etc.
One of the things that I work on with clients is helping them to practice letting others to own their own stories. It is perfectly okay to let others believe and have their own stories. When we stop trying to correct their version of their stories to fit more with our own, we practice acceptance. This acceptance actually lightens our burdens. Knowing that it is okay to let others accept their stories can be liberating. We then can focus our energy on our own stories. We can look inward and reassess if our stories are accurate. The more we are willing to accept that things may not always be concrete and the more willing we are to allow our stories to update or adapt, the better we will roll with changes in our lives.
Some of the happiest people are those who simply accept what happens, process it, allow their story to evolve, and look forward to creating more stories. This is where knowing that our brains are interpreting things as best they can given where we are and who we are comes in handy. Not expecting perfection from our senses and our minds can liberate us. We then can stop feeling burdened by the “what ifs” or the “if onlys.”
The stories we tell ourselves can be powerful chains or powerful propellers. If we allow stories to bind our abilities or willingness to grow, then we have allowed our stories to shackle us. Conversely if we view our stories as opportunities to view things from different angles and as interpretive guides, allowing us to adapt and change and grow, then we avoid feeling stuck and are propelled forward.
