Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries!
Many of us have experienced being too involved in someone else's life, not because we are obsessive and stalkers, but because someone who we care about tries to loop us into every aspect of their life and expects us to care about their drama as much as they do. Setting healthy boundaries, especially for those of us who empathize greatly with others, can be tricky. Here are some of my tips and some blogs which you may find useful in setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life.
Setting boundaries is not a punitive endeavor, in other words, setting boundaries with the people in our lives helps them (and us) to keep a healthy position in our lives without driving us both nuts. If you feel yourself feeling guilted by others, feel like they need you to keep from making dumb decisions, or otherwise feel way more involved in someone else's life than your own, then it may be time to grant others their journeys and focus on your own. Healthy boundaries are much like fences help keep our pets and livestock from getting hurt, wandering into dangerous territory, and from getting lost or stirring up trouble.
Grant Others Their Agency and Journeys
Everyone is on their own journey. We come in and out of each other’s lives constantly. The only person who is with you from the second you are born until the second you die is yourself. This should not feel depressing but liberating. Let others live their lives. Nobody can force you to deal with your weaknesses or issues. You have to deal with them. The same goes for other people in your life. You must let them have their agency and their own journey, without being offended that it doesn’t match what you want for them.
When I start to get worked up and overly involved in someone else’s drama or chaos, I take a step back and grant them their journey. I remind myself that they have their own lessons to learn and will make their own choices. This is not to say that we can’t give advice or encouragement. But it does mean that we shouldn’t get offended or worked up if they disregard it, or even do the opposite.
We are all rough stones in the river of life. As we tumble with the waters our rough edges can be knocked off by tough experiences or by colliding with others. As we live we hopefully become smoother and smoother like a river rock. Do you want to be the only thing another person is using to knock off their rough edges and sharp corners? Of course not. Grant them their agency. The river has them and they are getting the experiences that they need and the consequences of their own actions.
Your Journey
The same is true for you too. You are experiencing what the river of life has in store for you. Are you leaning too much on others and expecting them to do the heavy lifting in your life? News flash, even if they try, you are the only person that can change your life. Grant people their agency and their own beingness and you in turn will have your own. When we honestly embrace where we are at and take responsibility for our own actions, we liberate ourselves and are able to begin moving forward on our journeys.
The process of a chick hatching from an egg looks painful and strenuous, it may even be just that. However, the very process of breaking free from an egg strengthens the chick’s muscles and is a vital process of its development. When a person, usually motivated by charity and kindness, “helps” a chick get out of their shell, the chick often flounders and dies. It was unable to develop the strength it needed to then stand and begin the next steps of life. People are no different. By removing the challenges or taking on someone else’s burden to bear, we often simply weaken them and prevent any real growth or resilience from developing. If we “take on” their journey we are also energetically telling them we don’t think they are capable of or have confidence in their ability to do their journey.
It’s less stressful and more fun to be a cheerleader in someone’s life than to play the role of coach. Stay kind. Stay charitable. Stay loving. Allow others their journey and focus on your own.
Letting Others Own Their Stories
One of the hardest aspects of granting others their agency and journeys is also letting them own their own stories.
“Who are we but the stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves, and believe?” – Scott Turow
We humans are peculiar creatures. Almost everything that happens to us turns into a story in our heads. As humans we have evolved to understand our world, our environment, our histories, and experiences through story. Unlike most animals, we are able to pass knowledge down from one generation to the next, usually through story telling. For example a story like “Don’t eat that berry because great aunt Plop Plop tried one and dropped dead two minutes later,” helped other family members not to make the same mistakes.
Our brains are also designed to digest and understand what happens to us physically by putting those experiences into story format. For example, when something happens to me that I totally wasn’t expecting or wanting, like ending up caught in a rainstorm and my clothes turning see-through, rather than getting bitter or angry, I automatically think, “Damn! I want to call a friend and tell them this hilarious story so we can both laugh and enjoy it!”
Stories that we create or tell ourselves can be problematic though. Because we are interpreting experiences, we can often misinterpret or twist those experiences into something that they actually were not. A friend not returning a text immediately can suddenly turn into a story in our heads about how we somehow must have inadvertently annoyed them or angered them. If we let that story run its course we can do more emotional damage to ourselves than the reality of the situation ever could.
We Filter Our Experiences Through Our Own Lenses
Also, everyone will have their own version of a story even if they shared the same experiences with each other. We all interpret what happens to us differently. It is amazing what details we can remember while our friends may remember details we do not. Everything that we experience gets filtered through our own bodies (eyes, nose, ears, skin, etc.) as well as through the filter of our own past experiences and current knowledge. Overall this is a good thing, however, it can also twist into not-so-good stories at times. We must be self-aware and willing to accept that not every story our brains and bodies make up are completely accurate.
Let Others Own Their Stories
In that same vein, we must also accept that other people in our lives will have different stories. They will see things differently and they will believe wholeheartedly that their stories are the most accurate for them. This is where a lot of tension can come into relationships, friendships, work relationships etc.
One of the things that I work on with clients is helping them to practice letting others to own their own stories. It is perfectly okay to let others believe and have their own stories. When we stop trying to correct their version of their stories to fit more with our own, we practice acceptance. This acceptance actually lightens our burdens. Knowing that it is okay to let others accept their stories can be liberating. We then can focus our energy on our own stories. We can look inward and reassess if our stories are accurate. The more we are willing to accept that things may not always be concrete and the more willing we are to allow our stories to update or adapt, the better we will roll with changes in our lives.
Some of the happiest people are those who simply accept what happens, process it, allow their story to evolve, and look forward to creating more stories. This is where knowing that our brains are interpreting things as best they can given where we are and who we are comes in handy. Not expecting perfection from our senses and our minds can liberate us. We then can stop feeling burdened by the “what ifs” or the “if onlys.”
The stories we tell ourselves can be powerful chains or powerful propellers. If we allow stories to bind our abilities or willingness to grow, then we have allowed our stories to shackle us. Conversely if we view our stories as opportunities to view things from different angles and as interpretive guides, allowing us to adapt and change and grow, then we avoid feeling stuck and are propelled forward.
Tips for People Pleasers
Lastly, most people who struggle with keeping healthy boundaries, especially with friends and family, have a tendency to be people pleasers. Let’s dive in a bit deeper on some of the reasons why people become people pleasers!
Anchor Therapy in their article “11 Reasons Why You Are A People Pleaser” gives great reasons why you may identify as a people pleaser.
You Want To Avoid Conflict
It usually feels easier to go along with what others say. You may find yourself avoiding confrontations with others so you can make them happy or you agree with what they say even if you feel otherwise. While conflict has a negative tone behind it, it is actually a part of communication and helps us grow. If you can get through a conflict with another person at work, at school, or elsewhere then it will make you a stronger and better person. If you avoid conflict by appeasing everyone, then you will most likely bottle up a lot of resentment.
You Fear Rejection
Most people have a fear of rejection. It could be fear of rejection from a job or from another person. If you are worried that you may get rejected then you will try to avoid it at all costs. For example, if you’re worried you may be rejected by your boss and you could be fired one day then you may go out of your way to go above and beyond to please your boss no matter the cost on your mental health. Another example would be that if you fear your partner could break up with you then you will work on pleasing them rather than expecting the same from them in return.
You Fear Disappointing Others
No one wants to hear that they are a disappointment to others. But we can’t please everyone. There are just some people that it will be impossible to please. We are not all perfect and you will most likely experience some form of disappointment from another person you encounter in your life. If you try to please everyone then this will really drag your mental health through the mud.
You Want Something In Return
It is possible that you go above and beyond for your friends and family so that you will receive the same care and attention in return. But what often happens is that not everyone is capable of giving as much time, attention, gifts, or love as another.
This would lead you to feel that you are putting in way more energy and effort into your relationships than others are. You may feel that no one truly cares about you as much as you do to them. But this is not necessarily the case. It is possible that these other people in your life have some form of self-care in which they are taking time, energy, or money to take care of themselves first. It is important for everyone to find a nice balance between self-care and being there for others.
You Want Others To Be Nice To You
You feel if you are nice to others then everyone will be nice to you in return. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. For example, let’s say you are checking out at the Target register and you go out of your way to be nice to the cashier by asking them how their day has been. This worker may in turn give you an attitude or not acknowledge your kindness. To you, you may feel offended since you just went out of your way to be nice to a stranger and you want the same courtesy in return. But it’s possible that the customer before you just yelled at this cashier or that this cashier just found out terrible personal news. You never know what is going on inside other people’s heads. Even though you’re nice to someone, it doesn’t mean that they will be in the right mood to return the nice feelings.
You Want To Fit In
It’s possible that there is a group of people who you want to like you and include you in their group. You may go out of your way to go above and beyond to fit in with them. For example, let’s say you’re a teen in high school and there’s a group you want to become friends with. It is likely that you will be willing to do things for them that you might not otherwise want to do. You may go out of your way to do their homework, dress like them, or make fun of another student because you want to fit in with them. This is pretty common for people-pleasers who want to fit in with others.
You Are Easily Influenced By Others
Some people are easily persuaded to think and feel a certain way. If you follow Kylie Kardashian on Instagram then you may be easily influenced to buy her makeup as she makes it seem so appealing. If there is a current trend to wear scrunchies then you will probably be susceptible to follow the trend and start wearing scrunchies. If others tell you what to do, you will most likely listen and follow their instructions without thought.
You Are Genuinely Compassionate
This is the most common cause behind being a people-pleaser. It is great to be a genuine person who has a lot of empathy for others. It means you care deeply about everyone around you. Usually if you fall into this category, you find that you are not taking care of YOU. You get lost in taking care of everyone else that you forget about your own self-care and that is put last on your to-do list.
You Don’t Want To Feel Guilty For Saying No
Saying, “no” is really hard to do for people who are people-pleasers. You have a hard time creating boundaries and knowing your limits. You are so focused on pleasing everyone else that you will say, “yes” to everything anyone asks you without thought. It’s important for everyone to know their limits and for everyone to know when to say, “no”.
Your Self Worth Comes From External Validation
In the days of social media and getting likes, you may find yourself needing others to validate if you are a good person or not. Maybe you go out of your way to pay for a stranger’s Starbucks order, which is a very nice thing to do. But then you feel the urge to post about it on Facebook so others can validate you are a good person. Or you post a photo of you in a new outfit, only to find that your followers don’t think it looks good on you. You then return your new outfit. Examples like these show that you are easily influenced by what others think of you and not of how you actually feel about yourself.
You Lack Self Love
This is the most neglected part for people-pleasers. They are always ready to lend a hand or be there for someone else. But when it comes down to it, they are not there for themselves. People-pleasers are usually great listeners and give the best advice. But they can’t take that same advice themselves. People-pleasers usually don’t feel good enough or worthy enough to help themselves.
Tips, Tips, Tips!
Establish Boundaries
It's important to know your limits, establish clear boundaries, and then communicate those limits. Be clear and specific about what you're willing to take on. If it seems like someone is asking for too much, let them know that it's over the bounds of what you are willing to do and that you won't be able to help.
There are also other ways to create boundaries in your life to help reign in your people-pleasing tendencies. For example, you might only take phone calls at certain times to set limits on when you are able to talk.
You might also explain that you are only available for a specific period of time. This can be helpful because it ensures that you have control of not only what you are willing to do, but also when you are willing to do it.
Start Small
It can be hard to make a sudden change, so it is often easier to begin by asserting yourself in small ways. Changing behavioral patterns can be difficult. In many cases, you not only have to retrain yourself—but you also have to work on teaching the people around you to understand your limits.
Because of this, it can be helpful to start with small steps that help you work your way to being less of a people-pleaser. Start by saying no to smaller requests, try expressing your opinion about something small, or ask for something that you need.
For example, try saying no to a text request. Then work your way up to telling people "no" in person. Practice in different settings or situations such as when talking to salespeople, ordering at a restaurant, or even when dealing with co-workers.
Every time you take a small step away from being a people-pleaser, you'll gain greater confidence that will help you take back control of your life.
Set Goals and Priorities
Consider where you want to spend your time. Who do you want to help? What goals are you trying to accomplish? Knowing your priorities can help you determine whether or not you have the time and energy to devote to something.
If something is sapping your energy or taking too much of your time, take steps to address the problem. As you practice setting those boundaries and saying no to things you don't really want to do, you'll find that you have more time to devote to the things that are really important to you.
Try Positive Self-Talk
If you start to feel overwhelmed or tempted to cave, build up your resolve with positive self-talk. Remind yourself that you deserve to have time for yourself. Your goals are important, and you shouldn’t feel obligated to give away your time and energy on things that don’t bring you joy.
Stall for Time
When someone asks for a favor, tell them you need some time to think about it. Saying "yes" right away can leave you feeling obligated and overcommitted, but taking your time to respond to a request can give you the time to evaluate it and decide if it's something you really want to do. Before you make a decision, ask yourself:
- How much time will this take?
- Is this something I really want to do?
- Do I have time to do it?
- How stressed am I going to be if I say "yes?"
Research has also found that even a short pause before making a choice increases decision-making accuracy. By giving yourself a moment, you'll be better able to accurately decide if it is something you have the desire and time to take on.
Assess the Request
Another step toward overcoming being a people-pleaser is to look for signs that other people are trying to take advantage of your generosity. Are there people who always seem to want something from you but are suddenly unavailable if you need them to return the favor? Or do some people seem to be aware of your generous nature and ask because they know that you won't say "no?"
If it feels like you're being manipulated into doing things, take some time to assess the situation and decide how you want to handle the request. For repeat offenders or people who keep insisting that you should help, be firm and clear.
Avoid Making Excuses
It’s important to be direct when you say "no" and avoid blaming other obligations or making excuses for your inability to participate. Once you start explaining why you can't do something, you are giving others a way to poke holes in your excuse. Or you may be giving them the chance to adjust their request to ensure that you can still do what they are asking.
Try using a decisive tone when you decline something and resist the urge to add unnecessary details about your reasoning. Remind yourself that "no" is a complete sentence.
Remember that Relationships Require Give and Take
A strong, healthy relationship involves a certain degree of reciprocity. If one person is always giving and the other is always taking, it often means that one person is forgoing things that they need to ensure that the other person has what they want.
Even if you enjoy pleasing others, it is important to remember that they should also be taking steps to give to you in return.
Help When You Want to Help
You don’t need to give up being kind and thoughtful. Those are desirable qualities that can contribute to strong, lasting relationships. The key is to examine your motivations and intentions. Don’t do things only because you fear rejection or want the approval of others.
Keep doing good things, but on your own terms. Kindness doesn’t demand attention or rewards—it simply requires a desire to make things better for another person.
