Tips for People Pleasers

Do you find yourself giving way more of your time, energy, and resources to people than they give back in return? You are not alone! Many of the people I work with have tendencies to be people pleasers. They often have adopted people pleasing tendencies to make themselves feel more secure or worthy with those around them. 

Here are some tips for determining if you are a people pleaser and how to change your approach to people pleasing relationships!

What is a People Pleaser?

Kendra Cherry in her article “How to Stop Being A People-Pleaser” describes people pleasers in this way: 

“People-pleasers are known for doing whatever it takes to make other people happy. While being kind and helpful is generally a good thing, going too far to please others can leave you feeling emotionally depleted, stressed, and anxious.

A people-pleaser is a person who puts others' needs ahead of their own. This type of person is highly attuned to others and often seen as agreeable, helpful, and kind, but people-pleasers can also have trouble advocating for themselves, which can lead to a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.

People-pleasing is associated with a personality trait known as "sociotropy," or feeling overly concerned with pleasing others and earning their approval as a way to maintain relationships. This behavior can be a symptom of a mental health condition like:

• Anxiety or depression
• Avoidant personality disorder
• Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
• Codependency or dependent personality disorder

Signs You Might Be A People Pleaser

Cherry goes on to describe the signs of a people pleaser:

• You have a difficult time saying "no."
• You are preoccupied with what other people might think.
• You feel guilty when you do tell people "no."
• You fear that turning people down will make them think you are mean or selfish.
• You agree to things you don’t like or do things you don’t want to do.
• You struggle with feelings of low-self esteem.
• You want people to like you and feel that doing things for them will earn their approval.
• You’re always telling people you’re sorry.
• You take the blame even when something isn’t your fault.
• You never have any free time because you are always doing things for other people.
• You neglect your own needs in order to do things for others.
• You pretend to agree with people even though you feel differently.

People-pleasers tend to be good at tuning into what others are feeling. They are also generally empathetic, thoughtful, and caring. These positive qualities may also come with a poor self-image, need to take control, or tendency to overachieve.

While people might describe you as a giver or generous person, when you're a people-pleaser, all of this work to keep others happy may leave you feeling drained and stressed.

Reasons for People Pleasing Behavior

Let’s dive in a bit deeper on some of the reasons why people become people pleasers!

Anchor Therapy in their article “11 Reasons Why You Are A People Pleaser” gives great reasons why you may identify as a people pleaser.

You Want To Avoid Conflict

It usually feels easier to go along with what others say. You may find yourself avoiding confrontations with others so you can make them happy or you agree with what they say even if you feel otherwise. While conflict has a negative tone behind it, it is actually a part of communication and helps us grow. If you can get through a conflict with another person at work, at school, or elsewhere then it will make you a stronger and better person. If you avoid conflict by appeasing everyone, then you will most likely bottle up a lot of resentment. 

You Fear Rejection

Most people have a fear of rejection. It could be fear of rejection from a job or from another person. If you are worried that you may get rejected then you will try to avoid it at all costs. For example, if you’re worried you may be rejected by your boss and you could be fired one day then you may go out of your way to go above and beyond to please your boss no matter the cost on your mental health. Another example would be that if you fear your partner could break up with you then you will work on pleasing them rather than expecting the same from them in return.

You Fear Disappointing Others

No one wants to hear that they are a disappointment to others. But we can’t please everyone. There are just some people that it will be impossible to please. We are not all perfect and you will most likely experience some form of disappointment from another person you encounter in your life. If you try to please everyone then this will really drag your mental health through the mud.

You Want Something In Return

It is possible that you go above and beyond for your friends and family so that you will receive the same care and attention in return. But what often happens is that not everyone is capable of giving as much time, attention, gifts, or love as another. 

This would lead you to feel that you are putting in way more energy and effort into your relationships than others are. You may feel that no one truly cares about you as much as you do to them. But this is not necessarily the case. It is possible that these other people in your life have some form of self-care in which they are taking time, energy, or money to take care of themselves first. It is important for everyone to find a nice balance between self-care and being there for others.

You Want Others To Be Nice To You

You feel if you are nice to others then everyone will be nice to you in return. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. For example, let’s say you are checking out at the Target register and you go out of your way to be nice to the cashier by asking them how their day has been. This worker may in turn give you an attitude or not acknowledge your kindness. To you, you may feel offended since you just went out of your way to be nice to a stranger and you want the same courtesy in return. But it’s possible that the customer before you just yelled at this cashier or that this cashier just found out terrible personal news. You never know what is going on inside other people’s heads. Even though you’re nice to someone, it doesn’t mean that they will be in the right mood to return the nice feelings.

You Want To Fit In

It’s possible that there is a group of people who you want to like you and include you in their group. You may go out of your way to go above and beyond to fit in with them. For example, let’s say you’re a teen in high school and there’s a group you want to become friends with. It is likely that you will be willing to do things for them that you might not otherwise want to do. You may go out of your way to do their homework, dress like them, or make fun of another student because you want to fit in with them. This is pretty common for people-pleasers who want to fit in with others. 

You Are Easily Influenced By Others

Some people are easily persuaded to think and feel a certain way. If you follow Kylie Kardashian on Instagram then you may be easily influenced to buy her makeup as she makes it seem so appealing. If there is a current trend to wear scrunchies then you will probably be susceptible to follow the trend and start wearing scrunchies. If others tell you what to do, you will most likely listen and follow their instructions without thought. 

You Are Genuinely Compassionate

This is the most common cause behind being a people-pleaser. It is great to be a genuine person who has a lot of empathy for others. It means you care deeply about everyone around you. Usually if you fall into this category, you find that you are not taking care of YOU. You get lost in taking care of everyone else that you forget about your own self-care and that is put last on your to-do list. 

You Don’t Want To Feel Guilty For Saying No

Saying, “no” is really hard to do for people who are people-pleasers. You have a hard time creating boundaries and knowing your limits. You are so focused on pleasing everyone else that you will say, “yes” to everything anyone asks you without thought. It’s important for everyone to know their limits and for everyone to know when to say, “no”. 

Your Self Worth Comes From External Validation

In the days of social media and getting likes, you may find yourself needing others to validate if you are a good person or not. Maybe you go out of your way to pay for a stranger’s Starbucks order, which is a very nice thing to do. But then you feel the urge to post about it on Facebook so others can validate you are a good person. Or you post a photo of you in a new outfit, only to find that your followers don’t think it looks good on you. You then return your new outfit. Examples like these show that you are easily influenced by what others think of you and not of how you actually feel about yourself. 

You Lack Self Love

This is the most neglected part for people-pleasers. They are always ready to lend a hand or be there for someone else. But when it comes down to it, they are not there for themselves. People-pleasers are usually great listeners and give the best advice. But they can’t take that same advice themselves. People-pleasers usually don’t feel good enough or worthy enough to help themselves.

Where Does People Pleasing Come From?

In order to stop being a people-pleaser, it's important to understand some of the reasons why you might be engaging in this kind of behavior. There are a number of factors that might play a role, including:

• Poor self-esteem: Sometimes people engage in people-pleasing behavior because they don't value their own desires and needs. Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers have a need for external validation, and they may feel that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance.
• Insecurity: In other cases, people might try to please others because they worry that other people won't like them if they don't go above and beyond to make them happy.
• Perfectionism: Sometimes people want everything to be "just so," including how other people think and feel.
• Past experiences: Painful, difficult, or traumatic experiences may also play a role. People who have experienced abuse, for example, may try to please others and be as agreeable as possible in order to avoid triggering abusive behavior in others.

The motivation to help others can sometimes be a form of altruism. A person might genuinely want to make sure that other people have the help that they need. In other cases, people-pleasing can be a way to feel validated or liked. By making sure that people are happy, they feel as if they are useful and valued.

Effects of Being a People Pleaser

As Cherry states, “People-pleasing isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being a concerned and caring person is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships with loved ones. It becomes a problem, however, if you are trying to win approval in order to shore up weak self-esteem or if you are pursuing the happiness of others at the expense of your own emotional well-being.

If you are devoting all of your time to helping others in order to make them happy and win their approval, you might experience some of the following consequences.

Anger and Frustration

While you might actually enjoy helping, you are also bound to experience frustration when you are doing things reluctantly or out of obligation. These feelings can lead to a cycle of helping someone, feeling mad at them for taking advantage, and then feeling regretful or sorry for yourself.

One study found that people with a strong need to please others were also more prone to overeating in social situations.

Anxiety and Stress

Efforts to keep other people happy can stretch your own physical and mental resources too thin. Trying to manage it all can leave you plagued with stress and anxiety, which can have detrimental effects on your health.

Helping other people can actually have a number of mental health benefits. But not leaving time for yourself means you might end up experiencing the negative health consequences of excess stress.

Depleted Willpower

Devoting all of your energy and mental resources toward making sure that others are happy means you are less likely to have the resolve and willpower to tackle your own goals.

Some research suggests that willpower and self-control may be limited resources. If you are using your mental resources to make sure that other people have what they want or need, it might mean that you simply have little left to devote to your own needs.

Lack of Authenticity

People-pleasers will often hide their own needs and preferences in order to accommodate other people. This can make it feel as if you are not living your life authentically—it may even leave you feeling as if you don’t know yourself at all.

Hiding your true feelings makes it difficult for other people to get to know the real you. Self-disclosure is important in any close relationship, but it isn't effective if you aren't disclosing your true self.

Weaker Relationships

If you are putting all of your efforts into making sure that you meet other people's expectations, you may find yourself feeling resentful. While people might appreciate your giving nature, they may also begin to take your kindness and attentiveness for granted.

People may not even realize they are taking advantage of you. All they know is that you are always willing to lend a hand, so they have no doubt that you’ll show up whenever you're needed. What they may not see is how thin you are stretched and how overcommitted you might be.

Being Nice vs. Being a People-Pleaser

There is a distinction between doing things to be nice and doing things because you're a people-pleaser. People often do nice things for a range of reasons: to feel good, to help, to return a favor, or to earn a favor. If you're doing something because you are afraid that you’ll be disliked or rejected if you say "no," there’s a strong chance that people-pleasing is at work.”

Tips for Stopping People Pleasing

Okay okay, so you are a people pleaser, now what? Fortunately, there are some steps from Kendra Cherry that you can take to stop being a people-pleaser and learn how to balance your desire to make others happy without sacrificing your own.

Establish Boundaries

It's important to know your limits, establish clear boundaries, and then communicate those limits. Be clear and specific about what you're willing to take on. If it seems like someone is asking for too much, let them know that it's over the bounds of what you are willing to do and that you won't be able to help.

There are also other ways to create boundaries in your life to help reign in your people-pleasing tendencies. For example, you might only take phone calls at certain times to set limits on when you are able to talk.

You might also explain that you are only available for a specific period of time. This can be helpful because it ensures that you have control of not only what you are willing to do, but also when you are willing to do it.

Start Small

It can be hard to make a sudden change, so it is often easier to begin by asserting yourself in small ways. Changing behavioral patterns can be difficult. In many cases, you not only have to retrain yourself—but you also have to work on teaching the people around you to understand your limits. 

Because of this, it can be helpful to start with small steps that help you work your way to being less of a people-pleaser. Start by saying no to smaller requests, try expressing your opinion about something small, or ask for something that you need.

For example, try saying no to a text request. Then work your way up to telling people "no" in person. Practice in different settings or situations such as when talking to salespeople, ordering at a restaurant, or even when dealing with co-workers.

Every time you take a small step away from being a people-pleaser, you'll gain greater confidence that will help you take back control of your life.

Set Goals and Priorities

Consider where you want to spend your time. Who do you want to help? What goals are you trying to accomplish? Knowing your priorities can help you determine whether or not you have the time and energy to devote to something.

If something is sapping your energy or taking too much of your time, take steps to address the problem. As you practice setting those boundaries and saying no to things you don't really want to do, you'll find that you have more time to devote to the things that are really important to you.

Try Positive Self-Talk

If you start to feel overwhelmed or tempted to cave, build up your resolve with positive self-talk. Remind yourself that you deserve to have time for yourself. Your goals are important, and you shouldn’t feel obligated to give away your time and energy on things that don’t bring you joy.

Stall for Time

When someone asks for a favor, tell them you need some time to think about it. Saying "yes" right away can leave you feeling obligated and overcommitted, but taking your time to respond to a request can give you the time to evaluate it and decide if it's something you really want to do. Before you make a decision, ask yourself:

• How much time will this take?
• Is this something I really want to do?
• Do I have time to do it?
• How stressed am I going to be if I say "yes?"

Research has also found that even a short pause before making a choice increases decision-making accuracy. By giving yourself a moment, you'll be better able to accurately decide if it is something you have the desire and time to take on.

Assess the Request

Another step toward overcoming being a people-pleaser is to look for signs that other people are trying to take advantage of your generosity. Are there people who always seem to want something from you but are suddenly unavailable if you need them to return the favor? Or do some people seem to be aware of your generous nature and ask because they know that you won't say "no?" 

If it feels like you're being manipulated into doing things, take some time to assess the situation and decide how you want to handle the request. For repeat offenders or people who keep insisting that you should help, be firm and clear. 

Avoid Making Excuses

It’s important to be direct when you say "no" and avoid blaming other obligations or making excuses for your inability to participate. Once you start explaining why you can't do something, you are giving others a way to poke holes in your excuse. Or you may be giving them the chance to adjust their request to ensure that you can still do what they are asking.

Try using a decisive tone when you decline something and resist the urge to add unnecessary details about your reasoning. Remind yourself that "no" is a complete sentence.

Remember that Relationships Require Give and Take

A strong, healthy relationship involves a certain degree of reciprocity. If one person is always giving and the other is always taking, it often means that one person is forgoing things that they need to ensure that the other person has what they want.

Even if you enjoy pleasing others, it is important to remember that they should also be taking steps to give to you in return. 

Help When You Want to Help

You don’t need to give up being kind and thoughtful. Those are desirable qualities that can contribute to strong, lasting relationships. The key is to examine your motivations and intentions. Don’t do things only because you fear rejection or want the approval of others. 

Keep doing good things, but on your own terms. Kindness doesn’t demand attention or rewards—it simply requires a desire to make things better for another person.

How Posture Can Help

If you have found that you are a people pleaser and are working toward new behaviors Posture massage can help! Julie’s brain and body work can help you to release old emotions and past drivers for people-pleasing behavior. She is masterful at helping you to reframe your behaviors and aim for new healthier approaches with the people in your life. Bring it up in your next session and see what Julie can do for you!