Accepting Compliments Graciously

For many, receiving a compliment makes us uncomfortable and we feel the need to downplay the compliment, dismiss, or otherwise neutralize it. Learning to accept compliments graciously can help enrich our lives and lead to happier, healthier relationships with others and ourselves. 

Jessica Estrada’s article “Why is Accepting Compliments So Difficult?” does a great job of summing up why people often struggle with accepting compliments or even just saying Thank You after receiving one. 

“When someone pays you a compliment, such as praising you for a job well done or acknowledging a unique talent you have, it's supposed to feel good, right? After all, Karen Donaldson, a certified confidence coach and communication and body language expert, says we all seek recognition and want to know we're appreciated. However, being on the receiving end of a compliment can feel downright uncomfortable for many. So, as a result, "we dismiss it, deny it, downplay it, change the subject altogether, or simply shut it down," Donaldson says.

According to Tess Brigham, a psychotherapist and certified life coach, low self-worth is a big reason why receiving a compliment can be challenging to accept and believe. "This is referred to as cognitive dissonance, which is the discomfort experienced when two thoughts or ideas or values are incompatible with each other, i.e., holding two distinct beliefs," she explains. "If you don't believe in yourself and your ability to do something when someone compliments or praises you, then it's impossible for you to accept the compliment or praise because you don't believe it to be true."

 

Thankfully, even if compliments make you cringe, there are things you can do to strengthen your receiving muscle and build up your self-worth. Donaldson says it is safe to shine, and learning how to accept a compliment with grace demonstrates self-confidence. Here’s how to start.

 

Own Your Value

 

“Our culture teaches young people, especially young women, to be modest and demure and that it's bad to be ‘full of yourself,’” Brigham says. “So when someone compliments you it can feel like you're making a ‘mistake’ by not deflecting or making up a reason why you really don't deserve any praise.”

To this, Donaldson’s advice is to let go of modesty and the fear of outshining others and know that accepting a compliment doesn’t make you come off as conceited. “There’s no need to downplay the great things that you do well or who you are,” she says. “It’s OK to be really good at something and know it. Be good. Be great. Be incredible. Own it.”

Don’t Interrupt the Compliment

 

Donaldson also advises against brushing off a kind word as if it’s no big deal. A compliment, however small, she says, is a big deal, and it's important to acknowledge it and allow the person to express their gratitude towards you or what you've done without interrupting them by saying it was nothing. Instead, when someone is commending you, Donaldson recommends actively listening and receiving the praise.

Just Say Thank You

 

Sometimes, Donaldson says, the uncomfortable feeling that comes up when receiving praise isn't triggered by the comment itself but rather by not knowing how to best respond. The best approach, she says, is to keep it super simple with a "thank you" or “I appreciate it."

Beyond that, there's no need to share an excuse or deflect a compliment. Doing so can impact your sense of self-worth. "If every time someone compliments you, you make an excuse, that belief gets stronger and more powerful because it's your current reality,” Brigham says. “By stopping yourself from making an excuse or a reason why you don't deserve the praise, you're practicing not only how to receive praise, but also challenging your negative beliefs about yourself."

Challenge Your Negative Thinking

 

"The most powerful voice is the voice inside your head, which means, if you're not loving and kind towards yourself, it doesn't matter what anyone else says to you," Brigham says. This is one of the biggest reasons why it can feel uncomfortable to receive a compliment for some people.

To remedy this, Brigham recommends becoming more aware of the negative things you say to yourself regularly and replacing them with words you'd speak to someone you love and care about. For instance, she shares, if you catch yourself thinking you're stupid for making a mistake, stop and think what you would say to a loved one in the same scenario and say that to yourself.

Practice Praising Yourself

 

Getting comfortable receiving compliments from other people begins with getting comfortable praising yourself. "Each time you do something you're proud of, take a moment and commend yourself on a job well-done," Brigham says. "It's really important to celebrate our wins for our sense of self and to help stay motivated and excited to take on new challenges."

See It As A Benefit For Both Parties

 

Lastly, it can also be helpful to look at the compliment from the giver’s perspective too. Donaldson points out that fully receiving praise is an opportunity for both you and the person paying you a compliment to feel good. "When someone expresses or receives gratitude, the happy hormones — serotonin and dopamine — are released," she explains. So you undermining the compliment or brushing it off as if it was nothing, robs you both of that joy.

Here are some great tips on ways to gracefully receive a compliment:

Do Say Thank You

The rule of thumb when you receive a compliment is to simply and humbly say "Thank you" or "Thank you; I appreciate your kind words." By accepting the compliment, you show gratitude for the other person's kind remarks and do not come off as vain, bashful or prideful.

Do Share The Compliment

If someone compliments you and your team, acknowledge the compliment and say that you will pass it along to those team members who helped you do the work or complete the project. This makes everyone feel good.

Do Receive a Toast

When someone raises a glass in a toast to you, the correct protocol is to nod your head and smile. Do not pick up your glass and drink along with the others following the toast. This is like patting your own back and complimenting yourself. When everyone has taken a sip, feel free to stand and offer a toast in return.

Do Be Mindful Of Your Nonverbal Behavior

Watch your body language as you accept the compliment. Avoid crossed arms, downcast eyes or overly-casual postures that can send a wrong message or indicate disinterest. Lean slightly forward, look the giver in the eyes, and smile as you say "thank you."

Don’t Get Into A Compliment Battle

At times, you may feel inclined to "out-compliment" or downplay your work, especially when a compliment comes from someone you respect and admire. This may be appropriate in Asia, but not in the U.S. Fight the urge to one-up someone's sincere praise. Don't say, "Thank you, but I know my input wasn't nearly as valuable as yours." Instead, embrace the moment and be grateful for the accolade.

Don’t Deny Or Downplay The Compliment

One of the worst things you can do is deny a compliment. This can come across like a slap in the face to the giver, as it negates their opinions and feelings. An example of this type of interaction might be: "You look really nice today. Is that a new suit you're wearing?" Response: "This old thing? I've had it for years." Or, "You gave a good presentation this morning." Response: "I could have done better. I messed up a few times."

Don’t Question Or Insult the Giver

When someone offers a compliment, know that it may be coming from his or her heart. When you deny the compliment, it may seem as if you question their taste or insult their judgment as in this example: "You are one of the best speakers I've heard all year." Response: "Really? You must not get out much."

Don’t Milk The Compliment

To gracefully receive a compliment, try not to give responses that attempt to elicit reassurance, like "What makes you think that?" or "Gosh, are you sure?"

The more confident and comfortable you become with yourself and your own talents, the more you’ll be able to graciously accept compliments and give them in return. Often the best way to get comfortable with accepting compliments is to practice giving genuine compliments more in your day to day life. 

The act of complimenting others makes you naturally more confident in receiving them yourself. Insecure people rarely say genuine compliments to other people for fear that it will diminish their own self worth. Practice the opposite and you will see a remarkable change in your own self esteem, confidence, and relationship with compliments.

Bring this topic up in your next session with Julie at Posture Massage, as it is one of the things she has been working on herself lately!