Quit Feeling Guilty About Your Productivity
As a pretty busy person, oftentimes when I have a day off I can end up feeling guilty for just relaxing and taking things easy. I have had to learn through the years that these days of non-productivity are usually more valuable and important to my life than some “productive” days.
Our modern society places a high value on being productive and using every spare second to accomplish a goal or push toward some great accomplishment. We often look at those in our lives who are busy busy busy in awe. “How do they do it?” or “Wow! I wish I used my time as well as they do!” are things that can cross our minds, even when we are simply getting a snapshot of that person’s actual time usage/productivity.
Guilt can be useful when it spurs us to accomplish something or fix something immediate and in our control. Unhealthy guilt, however, is pretty much the opposite. Unhealthy guilt can taint our free time, sour our happy moments, and lead to us having poorer mental and physical health.
Time Anxiety
Unhealthy guilt can come in many forms and from many stresses. One prime example of an unhealthy guilt is time anxiety. Time anxiety is an overwhelming dread that there is not enough time to do everything you need to do or that you are not using your time wisely.
“Most humans are overly optimistic — we enter the day with an expectation and plan of getting all sorts of things done… we are not grounding our expectations in the reality of the work that we do.” – Heidi Grant, Director of R&D in Americas Learning at EY
Where does time anxiety come from? Time anxiety can be categorized into a few different sub-categories. The overall meaning of it is "the feeling of there is never enough time" and it is unknown where we develop this anxiety from. There is a theory that it is ingrained in us as children.
Would you ever be playing in your room and your parents come up to ask "what are you doing?" only for you to reply with "oh nothing." Our parents would keep checking in on us because to be "doing nothing" was suspicious and the assumption was that we were doing something wrong.
We cannot just blame our parents, even in adult life when we reply with "oh it's nothing," we get interrogated because to be doing nothing is wrong and against the rules. We've been conditioned to believe that to be unproductive is lazy, and to be lazy is something we shouldn't be proud of.
Danielle Willatt wrote “Quit Feeling Guilty for Not ‘Doing Enough’ in 2022,” which has some great pointers. She states that we need to assess our expectations for ourselves, “guilt for not doing enough is often due to unrealistic standards. It’s important to hustle, but we shouldn’t set impossible expectations for how much we can do in a day. Thinking ONLY positive thoughts is a form of denial. Similarly, if your pandemic coping mechanism is to set goals that are too optimistic, you’re doomed to failure. It’s almost a form of escapism!”
She goes on to recommend reassessing our to-do lists. “Don’t be a slave to your list. It should be working for YOU!” If you feel guilty for not completing everything on your list, then have a healthy conversation about what is realistic, how your time management skills are going, whether or not they need to be improved, and determine if you are being too hard on yourself.
Over the years I have grown to accept that I will never get everything done on my to-do list in one day, especially on days off. I prioritize non-negotiables that need to be done and then work towards completing the “bonus tasks.” If I do not get everything done, I refuse to let myself feel guilty and instead look for accomplishments to celebrate. I take pride in the few things that I get done and just like a ship, adjust my sails for days to come. Being rigid about my expectations for myself only sets me up to resent myself if I happen to be less productive or priorities change as life happens. Because we cannot predict what will or will not happen or what enters our lives each day, we cannot expect every intention to be fulfilled how we foresaw it happening.
Recognize society’s role in our guilt. Are we feeling guilty because of us? Or do we feel guilty because we have been raised to believe a certain way? Separating this out can be a very valuable exercise.
Why Do Women Feel More Guilty?
Devon Frye, author of “8 Empowering Ways to Stop Feeling Guilty” wrote:
“Why are women more prone to feel guilt? The answer probably lies in socialization. Across societies, women and girls have been socialized for thousands of years to get along with others, not hurt anybody's feelings, and take care of loved ones. In many (but not all) families, women take more responsibility for staying in touch with relatives and friends, keeping up with everybody's schedules, and keeping the household functioning effectively.”
Women may also have fallen into a pattern of judging each other more harshly. Because society may have less expectations around free time usage for men, women often get the brunt of each other’s projected guilt. If we see one woman appearing to be a “superstar” in her world and we have not come to terms with and accepted our own patterns of time use, we can project jealousy, envy, or disdain on those who we secretly wish we could be more like. Keep in mind that you never truly know what another person is feeling/doing, despite how productive they appear to you. There are many very productive people in this world who still feel overwhelming time anxiety and suffer from never feeling “good enough.”
Comparison Is The Thief of Joy - Theodore Roosevelt
Willatt goes on to explain:
In a culture of comparison, social media can trick us into thinking everyone else is operating at 200% capacity. You may feel like the only person not launching shops or folk albums. Trust me, you’re not.
The only thing you’ll get by comparing yourself? Feelings of inadequacy and guilt. I could just remind you to get off social media, but there’s another thing too. Try to remember that comparing ourselves to other people is missing the point.
In The Courage to be Disliked, a philosopher and a youth chat about the concept of comparison. They note that both ‘superiority’ and ‘inferiority’ are subjective interpretations, NOT objective fact. We construct these ideas in our head. Therefore, WE ourselves ultimately have the power to decide how we feel in relation to others.
The only person you should be comparing yourself with, is your past self. Keep your eyes on your personal goals. If you’re taking steps forward, you’re progressing. No matter the pace. No matter where other people stand.
Focusing on ourselves, our own abilities, and our own growth can help us to keep ourselves out of the woods. It is also important for us to recognize that everyone else is on their own path and has their own journey. For more information on that topic check out my blogs on granting others their agency and journeys and letting others own their own stories.
Spear Point Versus Base
Feeling guilty about not joining every good cause? There are a lot of great causes in the world and a lot of less fortunate people that need our support. It is not uncommon for me to feel guilty that I am not doing enough, or saying enough, or being enough for those organizations and causes. But that is where understanding that social causes and charities are like a spear comes in handy.
A spear in its basic form is composed of a spear head and a stick. The very point of the spear is the sharpest and most deadly element. The cutting edge is where the most damage or progress, depending on how you view spears, happens. Imagine you are a part of that spear trying to take down a monster. The point and cutting edge of the spear is very important but so is the base of the spear, the stick. It provides the force and the momentum behind the spear head which makes it effective in executing change to the monster.
One valuable lesson I have learned is that some people are very well suited to operate as the spear point. They are a vocal few that rally, organize, fight, and become the faces of many great organizations and causes. They are crucial in raising awareness about problems and slaying monsters that exist in our world. Not being a part of the spear point is often where guilt can come in. We feel we are not doing enough because we either don’t have the time to put toward being completely immersed and at the front of the battle lines, or we can feel that we don’t have the personality or passion needed to fight at the cutting edge. Both of those reasons may be accurate. That does not mean that we have nothing to provide.
Spears have sticks so that momentum and force can be built up from the base in order to slay monsters. Most of us will fall in this area of helping out a cause. Can we give a little money? Talk to colleagues and family about causes? Attend or volunteer at events once in a while? There are often lower stakes and lower energy-demanding ways that we can help causes. We should not feel guilty that we are not the end-all be-all for every single valuable thing in society.
We All Have A Role In Society
Another way I like to frame things is thinking of life like living in a video game. Video games that I like to play often have several different types of players with differing roles in the game. Some players are front line warriors who battle against enemies. Other players are more behind the scenes support types, such as wizards, necromancers, and mages. I have always found myself choosing to play video games as a support character who is contributing to the healing of my team. This also translates into my real life.
I would get stressed and feel guilty for not being on the front lines of social causes or charities. I brought up my guilt about this to a great teacher in my past. My teacher said that I needed to realize that my role in society is as a healer and a supporter working in the background. I did not need to feel guilty for not being at the front of the battle and needed to realize that I was contributing the most by supporting with my own talents and skills.
Figure out your role and how you can support causes/society, then leave the rest up to everyone else’s roles. Trust that we are all doing our own part to contribute to the good of the whole.
You have close to zero control over world leaders but you can prepare and take care of yourself, your family/friends, and your communities. We can all work for and towards something. Realize what you have control over and use your sphere of influence for the greater good.
Be aware of other roles and how your role fits into the world. Don’t feel guilty because your role isn’t the same as other people’s roles. Find your passion and how you can contribute to the world. Find your Dharma and your purpose in life! Pay attention to what makes you happy and find happiness. Lean into your happiness and you will feel less and less guilt. As the world keeps evolving, we have to keep evolving and find new ways to reap happiness and joy.
If the way that you want to help society stresses you out, you are very unlikely to help. I always felt bad that I was not doing more for the homeless people in my community. I would think, why am I not volunteering at homeless shelters or soup kitchens. I quickly realized that wasn’t my calling and that I could support the cause in my own positive way. I often make homeless bags, a bag with socks, soap, toothpaste, toothbrushes, snacks, water, and various other things that someone might need. I then make sure to carry them in my car and when I see someone in need, I give them a bag rather than money. In this way I am doing my part to brighten someone else’s day and hopefully support a bit of their needs.
Whether it is organizing it, delivering it, or doing it all, we can each contribute to great causes in our own unique way. There are many ways we can help. I obviously feel better when I give the homeless bags I have put together. It is my way of contributing to help others which also fits my style and personality. As a side benefit it also turns out it is a great way for me to keep my life simple and give away things in my life that someone else could use more than I can. The more that we get outside of ourselves the more we will connect with others and feel joy. It also gives us a good perspective on how blessed we are.
Posture Massage Can Help!
Feeling like guilt is getting in the way of you leading a healthier life? You are probably right! Sessions at Posture Massage can help you to work through guilt by releasing that energy and tension from your tissues and brain. Sessions can also help you to ensure that your body and brain are fully connected and communicating with each other. Often pausing and reflecting on how we are doing in life can reassure and flush out time anxiety and guilt that have accumulated. Try it out in your next session!
