Bring More Peace in Your Life With the 4 Agreements; Advice on Settling Your Mind
We have all likely had the experience of becoming unsettled or our minds spinning because of some “drama” or something that has occurred in our lives. These times can be quite painful and upsetting. Our brains can feel like they don’t want to let go of certain thoughts and feelings. We can replay things in our heads over and over ad nauseum. This stress can in turn affect how well we sleep and can also lead to us getting sick or having chronic issues.
One of the best pieces of advice I have for clients when this happens is to review The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz. This book describes some Toltec beliefs about our existence and then offers four agreements that can help us to free ourselves from overthinking and suffering when fixating during hard times.
I will not describe everything that this book has within its pages but instead will go over the pieces that I find helpful and useful in my life. If you also find them useful, win win! The four agreements that Ruiz describes, when implemented more fully in our lives can help us to experience more happiness, increase our well-being, and help us have less drama in our lives, no matter what the external circumstances are surrounding us.
First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word
The first agreement is to Be Impeccable With Your Word, or essentially be honest with yourself and everyone around you in everything. This is a tall order. We are often not completely honest with ourselves about our feelings or behaviors. We also tend to stretch the truth or outright lie to other people. Generally these lies or sleights of truth can be harmless but they also add up to give our lives way more stress than need be.
If you aren’t actually going to go to an event that your friends invite you to, just tell them you do not want to attend rather than offering up a vague “maybe.” This can be easier said than done because we can often worry that our friends or family will be offended if we are completely honest with them. Some people will be offended no matter what you do so you might as well be honest.
Try your best to speak with integrity and choose your words wisely before saying them. If there is one thing I have learned as I have gotten older, it is to speak less and listen more. The less I speak without carefully thinking, the more peace I have in my life. Does everyone need to know my opinion on everything? Nope! Will Friend X die not knowing how much I like to make my own meatballs or how much I dislike clown rodeos? Not at all :)
This can also tie into how much I complain (See the blog on Complaining Fasts for another fun read) and gossip. A lot of us easily slip into complaining or gossiping about worthless things to kill time or to somehow feel like we are soothing ourselves. Generally this energy is wasted and in the end will not make us feel better. When we gossip it also has the tendency to spread and come back to bite us in the bums. There is nothing more stressful than realizing that something you told someone in confidence was spread around and is creating drama in your life. Being impeccable in your word ties to not spreading gossip or information that you do not think is true or that is true but has no worth.
This agreement is the hardest one to practice because it takes a lot of practice. We have grown up in societies where lying, cheating, being dishonest, gossiping, talking down to others, and bending our word is viewed as entertainment or a way to get ahead. If you would like to attract more quality people into your life, practice being a more quality person in your word. As the old adage from Bambi goes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Second Agreement: Do Not Take Anything Personally
The second agreement is perhaps my favorite one, which is why I will describe more of it here. Do not take anything personally! The “anything” in that agreement should be bolded, capitalized, and be 300+ sized font :) This means whether good or bad, nothing in our lives should be taken personally. At face value this may seem like a bold claim. However, when you sit and think about how much of other people’s words, opinions, and actions get inside of our heads and impact how we feel and live, the statement holds a lot of weight.
We are each the central character in our own theatrical production called life. We each think that every interaction with the other cast members and extras in this world have some relevance and we easily take everything someone does or says personally. The sooner we realize that everyone else thinks of themselves as the main character and most important person in their play called life, the sooner we realize that other people’s actions (no matter how hard they try to make them personal to us) are a reflection of what is going on inside their play/life.
Ruiz gives this example of a stranger walking down the street. They see you and call you “stupid.” It is much easier to see that whoever that person is, they don’t know you and calling you stupid has absolutely nothing to do with you. In contrast, imagine meeting up with a close friend or relative and they call you stupid. You are way more likely to get offended, let it affect your mood and day etc. simply because you assume that because they know you so well their words must be more accurate and thus, you take it personally. In the latter instance however, them calling you stupid is still completely 100% about them and their experience.
When we end up taking things personally, it is because in some way we agree with whatever was said. Ruiz states:
As soon as you agree, the poison goes through you, and you are trapped in the dream of Hell. What causes you to be trapped is what we call personal importance. Personal importance, or taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about ‘me.’
Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.
If someone gives you an opinion and says, “Hey, you look so fat,” don’t take it personally, because the truth is that this person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours. Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up.
You eat all their emotional garbage and now it becomes your garbage. But if you do not take it personally, you become immune in the middle of Hell.
Immunity to poison in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement.
Too much of life’s stresses and conflicts come from someone taking something way too personally. Recognizing that other’s words and actions belong completely to them and are not our problem can be freeing. We must also realize that the many thoughts running through our minds and bodies aren’t always accurate either. Ruiz states: “Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore, you don’t need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally.”
Learning to not take offense is a process but its practice can grant much freedom in your life. “When we really see other people as they are without taking it personally, we can never be hurt by what they say or do. Even if others lie to you, it is okay. They are lying to you because they are afraid. They are afraid you will discover that they are not perfect. It is painful to take that social mask off.”
This does not mean that we allow others to continuously throw poison our way and deflect it by not taking it personally. We simply see what they say more transparently and then can choose to push them out of our lives or allow them to stay. If they walk out of our lives, go with it. “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself and make the right choices.
When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. Your anger, jealousy, and envy will disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don’t take things personally.”
Third Agreement: Do Not Make Assumptions
Do not make assumptions! Boy oh boy, I have to remind myself of this one time and again. It is very easy for us to take our experience and interpret the actions of others into assumptions that are not healthy. Our brains have a tendency to go down the darkest paths when information is lacking in a situation.
My brain: “Why didn’t my friend call or text me back when they said they would?”
Another part of my brain: “Maybe they got in a car wreck and died!”
Yet another part of my brain: “Maybe they actually do not like you and have decided to ghost you.”
My brain again: “I bet I said something that offended them or maybe I was boring… let’s replay and rethink everything non-stop until we are exhausted so anxious that we become grumpy and unfocused!!”
When facts are missing, our brains are more than willing (a little too willing) to fill in the blanks. More times than not, when we learn the missing information it is benign and not as maleficent as our brains led us to believe. When we begin to overthink situations that occur in our lives it is healthy to step back, take a deep breath, and recognize that we are making assumptions.
Even the act of realizing we are making assumptions can help to calm our brains down. It is very easy to believe that our assumptions represent the truth, they rarely do. Humans cause a lot of suffering in their own lives and the lives of others by believing their assumptions. Families can let rifts and grudges solidify and harden over time from simply believing misguided assumptions that were held on both sides.
We can torture ourselves with the unknown, especially when our brains start to fill in the blanks with assumptions. Once we believe an assumption it becomes that much easier for us to then take it personally and so it goes. Ruiz stated:
All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally. Take a moment to consider the truth of this statement. The whole world of control between humans is about making assumptions and taking things personally. Our whole dream of hell is based on that.We create a lot of emotional poison just by making assumptions and taking it personally, because usually we start gossiping about our assumptions. Remember, gossiping is the way we communicate to each other in the dream of hell and transfer poison to one another. Because we are afraid to ask for clarification, we make assumptions, and believe we are right about the assumptions; then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong.
It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering.
Much of the friction that is experienced in relationships, whether marriage, familial, or friendships, is due to making assumptions. We assume that the other person or persons know us so well that they should read our minds. When they do something that we did not expect or was not in the way that we assumed they knew we like it to be, we take it personally and pile more assumptions on top of those assumptions. Without clearing the air through communication, we are setting ourselves up for more suffering. How many of our disagreements or frictions with others come from simple misunderstandings buried under assumptions?
If others tell us something, we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don’t understand, we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions. These assumptions are made so fast and unconsciously most of the time because we have agreements to communicate this way. We have agreed that it is not safe to ask questions; we have agreed that if people love us, they should know what we want or how we feel. When we believe something we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position.
We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and balme us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. That is the way the human mind works.
We also tend to make and believe assumptions about ourselves that are not accurate. We tell ourselves what we are good at and what we are not good at based on assumptions we projected after one experience or someone else’s opinion. We are our biggest stumbling blocks in this life, for what we assume, we believe. Those beliefs based on faulty assumptions can hinder our growth as individuals and prevent us from many joys and happiness that the universe is waiting to give us.
We can often feel that we are not enough. This assumption is easy to swallow because we are with ourselves 24/7 and assume that we know ourselves and that our perceived flaws and failures are accurate. This can lead us to presenting ourselves differently to others. Hiding aspects of ourselves because we are afraid to just be honest and be ourselves in case others won’t like who we really are. This only leads to problems. This lack of trust in ourselves can become chronic and cause much mental and physical anguish. We must work toward ridding ourselves of our assumptions and just being who we are.
We have to be what we are, so we don’t have to present a false image. If you love me the way I am, “Okay, take me.” If you don’t love me the way I am, “Okay, bye-bye. Find someone else.” It may sound harsh, but this kind of communication means the personal agreements we make with others are clear and impeccable.
The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. Make sure the communication is clear. If you don’t understand, ask. Have the courage to ask questions until you are as clear as you can be, and even then do not assume you know all there is to know about a given situation. Once you hear the answer, you will not have to make assumptions because you will know the truth.
Also, find your voice to ask for what you want. Everybody has the right to tell you no or yes, but you always have the right to ask. Likewise, everybody has the right to ask you, and you have the right to say yes or no.
Working on this agreement can feel daunting but even just recognizing the difference between fact and assumption in your life can make a powerful difference. As with anything, practice little by little and you will start to see the change that happens when assumptions are not leading you around.
Fourth Agreement: Do Your Best
This agreement buttons up the previous three. Essentially it is a reminder that growing and changing is a process and will take time. During that time be compassionate and kind to yourself. Your best one week might be putting very little effort into these agreements because you are dealing with too much at work/home/or whatever deep space mission you have embarked on. In other weeks you might end up focusing on these agreements and living them more fully because you are in a better mindset. Either way and no matter your situation, simply try your best.
This is completely in your hands. You are the only one who knows if you are trying to work toward something positive or if you are slacking. Nobody is asking you to give 110%. Your journey is your journey, make of it what you will.
Will we be impeccable all the time, nope, welcome to being human. But can we be way more impeccable than we ever have been before? Totally! Will we take nothing personal from here on out and never make assumptions again? Certainly not. But hopefully we will be able to recognize when rocks are thrown into our pond and waves circle out. We will hopefully be able to see assumptions and what we are taking personally and have it affect us much less.
