Tackling Fears: Advice for reducing the fear in your life
Why We Fear
We, as human beings, are wired to be wary, anxious, and fearful of the things we perceive as being dangerous or threatening. Having our brains wired this way served our ancient ancestors very well and the proof is that we are here now. Some examples of fears that are pretty hard-wired into us are the fear of snakes, spiders and bugs, a fear of heights, and a fear of being stared at by a large predator.
These fears are primal and it is obvious how they likely served our species to survive and avoid premature death. With exposure to these fears we can overcome our primal fear instinct and become snake handlers, high wire performers, lion and tiger tamers, or even spiderman.
One of the challenges of modern living as a human being is that our brains are still wired to get anxious and fearful. Our brains are ever vigilant and looking out for threats and dangers. When we no longer live under the fear of being eaten by a saber-toothed tiger, we then become fearful of randomly losing our job or our friend group turning on us and not inviting us to brunch.
Our fears nowadays can be even more abstract and our brains can get even more creative in imagining worst case scenarios. Speaking of, why do our brains always operate in worse-case scenarios? If we imagine the worst and prepare ourselves physically and psychologically for the worst, then anything else will be manageable, or so our brains think. It takes practice and training for us to think positively and to see silver linings in our lives. These behaviors are not often our first instinct because it takes effort and work to get our brains to do something they have not evolved to naturally do.
When our fears were more raw and primal, such as protecting our families from tigers, we were better able to reassure our brains by taking tangible steps to protect and prevent bad things from happening. We could build barriers, fences, houses, etc. to prevent attacks. We could create or gather weapons that would help us feel safer in the event of an attack. We could even go on a tiger hunt and essentially slaughter our fear both physically and psychologically. Imagine being able to go out and literally kill something that makes you fearful, such as unemployment or embarrassing yourself by public speaking. As abstract as that may seem, it is possible to slaughter those fears and anxieties.
I work with a lot of clients who express the things that cause them anxiety and fear. A lot of us have grown accustomed to pushing our fears and anxieties away. I liken it to throwing anything that makes you uncomfortable over a wall. We think we can throw these uncomfortable feelings over that wall and then deal with them later or we hope they will somehow disintegrate or turn to compost… I’ve got bad news, it doesn’t work that way. The things that we turn a blind eye to essentially sit like antiques in a storage unit, waiting for us to come back and deal with them. Until we are willing to throw open the storage door and let light in on our items, categorize them, and decide what we are going to do with them, there they will sit.
When our storage unit is full of issues, events, traumas, thoughts, and items that make us anxious or subconsciously (or consciously) fearful, we will experience side effects of ignoring them. When chronic hoarders or overeaters get to the root of their problems, even if the root is from childhood, their manifested issues are tied to something unresolved in their pasts. We all operate this way.
I am sure most of us have experienced dreading doing a chore or something that we do not enjoy. We let our anxiety, worries, and annoyance grow over having to do that thing. Then after we have allowed ourselves to lose sleep, be tortured by it, imagined all the worst case scenarios, we finally do the thing and it takes less effort and time than we imagined. We laugh and say, “Why didn’t I just deal with that when it happened?” Yet, if you are anything like me, you will repeat that pattern again with a new anxiety inducing task.
Advice On Fearing Less
How do we grow in this area? Thanks for asking and being open-minded enough to want to improve! Practicing working on or even against your established patterns can vastly improve your life in this area. Simply put, when you look at something causing you fears and anxieties and identify it, it becomes less scary and more manageable.
Let me repeat that using our analogy from above. When you throw open your storage unit, let the sunlight pour in, take an inventory of everything you have thrown into your unit, you jumpstart your brain into being able to process and declutter your life. This in turn allows the brain to calm and relax its worrying on specific fears and anxieties. Our worries eat up more of our energy, time, and peace than the actual problems we encounter. Most of us are really good at worrying ourselves sick over problems that do not even exist yet.
Every time you sense yourself getting fearful or anxious about something, sit with it, examine it, identify it, let yourself feel the feelings. Sit with it long enough that it no longer feels uncomfortable or stinging. Our emotions are signals that show us things. Follow those signals to the root of where they are coming from. Identify which parts of your body the feelings reside in. Is the fear in your liver, your heart, your guts, your brain, your neck? Once you identify which part of your body is feeling fearful and anxious then put eyes on it. Literally think of what eyes you would put on those organs. Are they cartoon eyes? Are they sad? Are they mad? Do they look like they are in pain? This technique will help you to flush out the emotions that are trapped in your tissues and process things out of your systems.
Another technique that I recommend is to breathe deeply while experiencing these emotions. Let’s think back to our ancestors and their brains. If a saber-toothed tiger was chasing them across the savannah their heart rate and breathing would be intense. If they felt a predator lurking nearby their anxiety would spike and their bodies would respond physiologically with stress hormones and corresponding breathing/heart beats. This response served our ancestors well.
We all still have this physiological response when we feel fearful, stressed, or under threat. For example, imagine you just sat down to take a high-pressure test that will determine whether or not you can pursue a future you have dreamed about, such as the L-SAT. What do you feel? Likely you feel super anxious, a heightened heartbeat, a sense of stress and uncomfortability. Your breathing will also be shallow when you are fearful and under pressure.
The nice thing about this physiological response is that you can consciously work to lower your anxiety and downgrade your stress response. Breathing deeply and calmly triggers the opposite response in your body. If you can force yourself to breathe deeply and calmly, your brain will realize that you are not actually under imminent danger and that you are physically safe. Imagine being chased by that saber-toothed tiger. Can you simply breathe deeply and calmly while being hunted? This is very unlikely. That is why being able to breathe deeply when you recognize that you are anxious can shift your body into a more relaxed state.
Any time we are able to identify and dissect what exactly is making us fearful or anxious, we are then better able to face it. Many times the fears and anxieties dissolve away as we reassure our brains and bodies that we are okay and that what we are worried about is not a threat to us.
A lot of what I work on with clients is in this vein of brain and body work. Clients can come in and explain that they are anxious and do not know quite why or where it is coming from and together we are able to identify the source (or sources) of their anxiety and fear. We then can work to process and relax the brain and tissues that are affected. Practicing this method can make a world of difference for most people. Like anything, the more aware we are about what is going on in our heads and bodies, the better able we are to work through things and lead a more relaxed existence.
