Two Steps Backwards? Life Is About Non-Linear Progress
As we are growing towards goals, even if it feels like we are growing at a snail’s pace, we will sometimes find ourselves in situations where we think, oh geez, I just fell backwards. Did we really though? How can we get back on track? How can we get our feelings and emotions to chill out and stop nagging us?
Many of my clients are diligent self-improvers. They impressively work on the things they identify as weaknesses and continuously strive to improve themselves. Inevitably, however, because it turns out they are humans too, there are times when they feel they have fallen backwards or reverted back into an older version of themselves. They feel this way partially because they have reverted.
The patterns and habits that we have had in our past, no matter how long ago we changed them, can slip back into our lives under periods of duress, stress, or mental exhaustion. The older patterns that we used to have served a purpose in the past and our brains aren’t as forgetful as we would like them to be.
We have all been there. After a stressful day where we have felt things just were not working out for us, instead of sticking with our healthy eating habits or going to the gym, we say “F-this! I am going to eat something comforting” or “To Hell with the Gym after the day I’ve had, it is TV time!” This is normal. When experiencing physical or mental pain/exhaustion, we tend to revert back to older patterns. This can really bother some people, depending on the pattern reverting back to. Imagine going 20 years without a cigarette and then you learn of a death in the family and end up smoking. On top of feeling stressed and grief, you now feel disappointed in yourself and your progress.
If you let those disappointing feelings fester and grow into negative self-talk and self-doubt, then this small indiscretion can bloom into a full-on negative spiral. It is in these moments that we first need to recognize that we recognized a pattern switch. This deserves a pat on the back because there was likely a time in our lives when we were oblivious to our own patterns and behaviors and simply felt like life was “happening to us,” often unfairly. Next, recognize the progress you have made. Twenty years without a cigarette is something to be proud of and not actually an accomplishment that can be wiped away with one cigarette or even 10 packs.
Recognize your growth and awareness. Celebrate that!
The moment you recognize feelings you do not like, do not push them away but embrace and acknowledge them. Follow them into your body. Where are you physically feeling them? Talk to that part of your body and tell it your feelings. Tell it your frustrations. Tell it how you feel about backsliding but don’t forget to also tell it how you loved changing. Tell it how you are actually proud of yourself. Tell it how one slip up does not negate progress.
I believe that we usually truly treat others better than we do ourselves. Start viewing yourself and your inner self especially as a best friend. Imagine your best friend came to you and told you how sad and frustrated they were because when they were cold, hungry, tired, stressed, etc. they slipped back into an old pattern. What advice would you give? Actually think of that advice. We are a font of good advice to those that we care about. Time to add yourself to the ranks of your friend list and give yourself the same compassionate and honest advice. Can you be blunt with yourself? Certainly, but temper it the way you would when being blunt with a loved one. Help redirect your energy to the positive and to a growth mindset.
One of the hidden blessings of slipping back into old habits is the immediate feedback you receive. Did it feel good? Do you still like those habits? Do they still serve you? Usually not. More often than not they are a way for us to measure our growth.
You do not know exactly how high you climbed a tree until you look back down. Too often we are so focused on climbing and progressing forward one branch at a time that we forget to take a breath, look down, and impress ourselves with all we have done. For those of you with a healthy fear of heights, imagine a walk or something more flat and safe ;)
Good, healthy progress in a person’s life is rarely linear. There are ups and downs and spirals. There are moments of backward motion. The true measure of progress is what direction we are pointed in and how far we have come. Do you feel better than you used to? That is a huge win. The very fact that you are thinking outside of yourself with this much awareness is also worthy of praise. We all know too many people who assume that all of their life’s goings-on are “happening to them” without them having any responsibility for how it is ending up. Such a rough existence.
